


One Too Many Broken Hearts

by 30MinuteLoop



Category: Star Trek: Discovery
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bisexual Michael Burnham, Bisexual Sylvia Tilly, Female Friendship, Friendship, Gen, Post-Season/Series 01, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love, this ship is full of good friends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-17
Updated: 2018-07-17
Packaged: 2019-06-11 20:15:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,327
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15323412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/30MinuteLoop/pseuds/30MinuteLoop
Summary: Paul cleared his throat. "I may be barely functioning, Ensign, but I wasn't raised on Vulcan. I know those looks you keep giving Michael. Ever since we left Earth.""I don't know what you're talking about," she insisted, carefully modulating the volume of her voice. There. Better."Deny it all you want. It won't make the reality go away." Paul's hands seized the blanket again. "Sooner or later she's going to notice, or you're going to have to tell her.""Oh. Oh, God."





	One Too Many Broken Hearts

Tilly and Michael sat with Paul on the floor of Tilly's quarters. Paul was silent and motionless, except for the vigor with which he was gripping the blanket on his lap, rubbing the corner between his right thumb and forefinger.

Michael had one arm wrapped around Paul's shoulders.

"We're here for you, Paul," Tilly said soothingly for the third or fourth time. "Do you understand me?" she asked.   

This time, he nodded just a bit, and blinked, and his expression changed minutely, one end of his lips twitching upward sightly.

Tilly and Michael had found Paul sitting in a state much like this in the cultivation bay, after he had been twenty minutes late to their scheduled dinner. They had helped him to his feet and guided him out of engineering. He didn’t seem to have the energy to interact or protest.

Except when Michael had said to Tilly, "Maybe we should go to sickbay."

Then his head had snapped up. He had growled, "no," and tried to bore a hole in Michael's head with the vehemence in his eyes.

"My quarters?" Tilly suggested, and the two of them had changed course.

Since Michael had regained her rank, Tilly was on her own again in her quarters. As she looked over at her friends, she felt a pang of gratitude for Michael’s presence. Followed immediately by guilt for being glad about Paul's suffering bringing Michael here.

"Paul," Michael squeezed his shoulders tightly before letting go and standing up, "can I get you a glass of water or tea?"

No response.

"Well, I'm having some black tea," Michael said. She looked at Tilly, and Tilly noticed, not for the first time, the curve of her lips and her cute nose and her smart warm eyes and -   

"Uh, sure. Yes. Tea for me too," Tilly stammered. Had Michael noticed her staring? Would Michael _ever_ notice? That would make everything so much easier...

Michael left the room.

Tilly scooted closer to Paul, whose hands had gone still for the moment as he stared into space. "I can't imagine what you're going through," she offered. "I wish there was more we could do."

Paul looked at his hands again.

"Dr. Culber was such a sweetheart," Tilly went on, feeling a need to keep talking no matter what. "When you were in the coma he was always by your side. I tried, once or twice, to get him to come with me for lunch but he wouldn't. So I had to bring him things to keep his strength up. He needed that strength to take care of you. I admired him so much... I want the kind of love you two had, sometime in my life."

At this, Paul sighed, and unclenched his hands from the blanket. He looked Tilly in the eye. "You have to tell her sometime," he said, voice cracking a little from lack of use.

"Tell who?" Tilly exclaimed, realizing she was far too loud to be realistically confused.

Paul cleared his throat. "I may be barely functioning, Ensign, but I wasn't raised on Vulcan. I know those looks you keep giving Michael. Ever since we left Earth."

"I don't know what you're talking about," she insisted, carefully modulating the volume of her voice. There. Better.

"Deny it all you want. It won't make the reality go away." Paul's hands seized the blanket again. "Sooner or later she's going to notice, or you're going to have to tell her."

"Oh. Oh, God."

Even in her mortification, she was glad to see the ghost (oh, _the ghost_ ) of a smile of Paul's face. "Tilly. As much as it hurts when you do something you regret" -- he grimaced and ducked his head -- "when you don't do something and regret it, it's worse. It's a lot worse."

The door to her quarters hissed open again and Michael came in, holding a tray with three lidded mugs of tea.

"Commander, I got you some tea as well, just in case." She sat down cross-legged, balancing the tray perfectly as she lowered herself to the ground. Tilly almost sighed aloud at the gracefulness of this movement, and she could see Paul's head twist her way out of the corner of her eye.

_How does he notice?_ she asked herself. She was quite convinced he was reading her mind.

Sure, she'd had crushes. A lot of crushes. But she was awkward and loud and fat (hearing her mom’s litany of criticisms) and just _too much_ for most people. Her crushes were rarely reciprocated, and when they were, the dating had been short-lived.

But then this dangerous woman had come into her life and caused an absolute mutiny in her heart where she had sworn she was going to stay professional on this ship, her first post. She'd contented herself with being Michael's closest friend, and for a while that was really all she needed or wanted. While Michael and Ash were together, she was able to suppress everything, rationalizing that having a crush on someone who was in a relationship was worse than fruitless, and she was smarter than that.

But now here she was, new waves of infatuation passing over her every time Michael looked her way or smiled at her, or praised her for something. Her beautiful curly hair. One time when Michael still lived in this room, they had stayed up late comparing hair types, playing with hair styles. It was like having the childhood friend Tilly had never had. Michael had never had that either.

She came out of her reverie to find her friends drinking their tea. Her own mug sat on the floor in front of her, untouched.

Michael was telling Paul about an article she'd read, something about the mating practices of Denobulans. "A Denobulan can have up to three life partners," Michael was saying. "Each of them. They're also an entirely non-monogamous society. Can you imagine?"

"So you're saying I should have been a Denobulan, hedged my bets a little," Paul said drily. "Thanks."

"Commander, I didn't think -"

"No offense taken," Paul said, but his voice sounded a bit thinner as he got to his feet. "I’m okay now. I need to go get some sleep."

"Sir!" Tilly jumped to her feet. "I still have this extra bunk here, and," she hesitated, before plowing on, "you're welcome to use it. If you don't want to go home."

Another time this had happened, and they were hanging out late watching a movie (well, Michael and Tilly were), Paul had fallen asleep on the end of Michael’s couch, and woken up with a crick in his neck that took days to sort itself out. Paul had refused to go to sickbay then, too, so he spent days just awkwardly rotating his whole body whenever he needed to look at someone.

Since then, whenever Tilly or Michael could accommodate Paul, they'd offered him a place to sleep. Sometimes he accepted--most of the time he didn't. He always seemed a bit more well rested when he did take them up on the offer though.

"It's only 7:30, Ensign; I don't want to put you out."

Tilly glanced at Michael hopefully. "We can go talk somewhere else if you want, Michael. I'm not tired at all."

Michael declined with a headshake. "I'm exhausted. I need a little time to recharge by myself this evening. I should probably get going, if you're all right, Paul."

He nodded.

Michael looked between the two of them, nodded once stiffly, and said good night. Moments later, the doors were whooshing shut after her and Tilly and Paul were alone again.

It was far too early to go to sleep, although Paul looked like he was about to collapse. "I'm going to," she paused, searching for words, "go see if anyone else is free tonight. Let you fall asleep before I start snoring all over the place."

"My college roommate snored a lot louder than you do. I'll be fine," Paul assured her, kicking off his shoes as he pulled the covers up off the spare bed.

"Okay, well, sleep well," Tilly blurted out. And she made her escape.

But she stopped as soon as the doors shut behind her, still having no idea where to go, and so much nervous energy turning her stomach.

She could go see Rhys or Owosekun. Rhys might be awkward. He had kept up flirting with her since that crew party months ago, and she liked him, maybe had even had a little bit of a crush on him at one point, but now of course all her energy was focused on Michael.

Maybe Joann would be able to help though. The lieutenant's quarters were just down the hall.

"Tilly," Joann greeted her in her own typically understated way, but with a smile. "How are you?"

"Are you free right now? Can I talk to you?"

"Of course," Joann stepped aside and gestured for Tilly to come in. Joann's quarters were the same design as Tilly's, but with only one larger bed and a couch and table instead of the second bed.

"Do you want something to drink?"

Tilly suddenly remembered her untouched tea back in her own quarters. Now she really did want tea.

The other benefit of being a lieutenant was having a light-duty food synthesizer in one's own quarters. Joann replicated Tilly some tea and herself a small glass of wine.

"Now what is going on?" Joann asked as she handed Tilly her mug and sat down next to her on the couch.

"I don't know where to start." Tilly sipped her tea and rubbed her index finger nervously around the rim of the mug.

"You seem troubled."

"Well, yes." Tilly thought both of the anxiety she felt every time she looked at Michael. And then about how her heart just got so warm. “And no.”

Joann waited. She was good at getting things out of people without asking questions.

"I really like someone, and I don't know how to tell them. Or if I even should." She paused, trying to decide how much information she wanted to divulge. "We're good friends and I don't want to make things awkward, but I can't stop thinking about them."

Joann tilted her head at Tilly. "Is it Rhys?"

Nobody was going to let Tilly get away with vagueness tonight, it seemed. "No, I mean, I don't want to tell you who it is."

Joann raised an eyebrow. "Is it me?"

Tilly could feel her face go red. "No, no." She smiled awkwardly at her friend. "Sorry, I just -"

"I'm not offended," Joann said flatly. "I mean, I don't have a crush on you either, so it's for the best." She took another sip of her wine. "But now I really don't know who it could be."

"I have other friends," Tilly said, a tinge defensively.

"Of course."

Joann's total calm and levelheadedness was invaluable, but also a complete mystery to Tilly. Even Michael had embraced her emotional side. Not that Joann was like a Vulcan, not at all, it was just more like nothing ever seemed to get her riled up or overexcited. She could feel everything without getting overwhelmed or out of sorts by it.

"Commander Stamets says I just need to come clean about it to her - I mean, them."

Joann's eyes widened suddenly. "Is it _Burnham_?"

_Fuck._

Tilly looked at her feet.

"It's Burnham, isn't it," Joann said softly. "Oh, Tilly."

"You don't think it's a good idea."

"I don't know. She's been through a lot, I know you know that. With Ash..."

"I know. That's what makes this so hard." Tilly leaned back against the couch and closed her eyes. "What do I do? I've never had such a long crush and not done anything about it. I can’t stop thinking about her."

She heard Joann set her glass on the table. "I can't tell you what to do, but it's all right to feel the way you do. You don't have to view it as a problem."

"But it is a problem!" Tilly exclaimed. "I either tell her how I feel, and it will be terrible, or I just keep it to myself and torture myself to death."

"Getting a little dramatic there, hon," Joann said.

"This feels dramatic." Tilly sat up bolt upright, struck by a horrifying thought. "What if I tell her and she doesn't want to be friends anymore?"

"How likely do you think that really is?" Joann pointed out, all too sensibly. "You two have been through so much together. I'm sure she really respects you. I doubt she'd be angry or offended. Were you offended that Rhys used to like you?"

"No, but... wait, he doesn't like me anymore?"

"I think he's accepted the limits of your interest. You would do the same for Michael, wouldn't you?"

Tilly smiled and nodded. "Joann, why didn't you go into counseling?"

"I like doing this for my friends," she replied simply. "I don't want to do this for strangers." She finished her wine and gave her friend a steady look. “You’re going to be okay. But maybe consider why you’re tearing yourself apart trying to keep this to yourself. What if Michael feels the same way about you and you never know?”

 

Tilly ruminated over Joann and Paul's words for days. Could she really just tell Michael how she felt? But the more she thought about it, the more she realized that probably the only way out of this crush was to talk about it.

Michael spent a lot of time on the bridge these days. Tilly missed those times, all too short, when she and Michael and Paul worked together on the spore drive. Their friendship, teamwork, and research projects--even in the midst of a war, and it felt awful to acknowledge--but those times had been some of the best in her life. Just because she belonged, and her colleagues acknowledged that, and Paul wasn’t giving her quite as hard a time anymore.

Things were more complicated now. Michael worked on the bridge. Tilly spent more time down in the lab falling down rabbit holes of research, trying to find a way they could run the spore drive without Paul or Ripper. She did her best to stay positive, but it really did feel like a fruitless effort. Paul’s lack of focus or enthusiasm wasn’t helping. He worked long hours, but all the excitement had been sucked out of the lab.

At the same time, the fact that she didn’t have to see Michael at work all day every day would make this easier if it went poorly.

Tonight would be the night, she realized as she sat down in the mess hall across from Michael. Paul had bowed out of dinner tonight, saying he needed time alone. Given that he’d been coming to dinner with them every night since his breakdown, they had decided not to press the issue.

“Any progress on the spore drive today?” Michael asked, spearing a ravioli with her fork. Was Michael wearing a different color of lipstick today? Her lips looked luscious.

“Just like yesterday,” Tilly said, rolling her eyes. “No progress to speak of.”

“The botany team was just assigned a new research project on a potential colony planet. It sounds as if Discovery will be there for at least a few weeks. There’s an opportunity for shore leave too.”

Shore leave sent Tilly into a daydream of her and Michael beaming down to a verdant forest, ready for several days of backpacking and gathering samples and putting their sleeping bags next to a campfire every night. Staying up late to look at the stars among the gaps in the tree canopy…

But she was still in the mess hall.

“That sounds great!” Her voice was too loud, her pronouncement too abrupt.

Michael raised an eyebrow at her. “Are you okay, Tilly?”

_I’m practically in love with my best friend who has no idea. Yes, I’m distracted!_

She swallowed down her nervousness. “I am, yes. I’d like to talk to you about it but not here. It’s personal.”

Michael gave her a curious but calm look, cocking her head to the side just a bit. “Of course, Tilly. Let’s finish dinner and we can go talk.”

They kept eating, but now in a silence that became more awkward to her by the second. _What if I say something stupid? What if we get interrupted before I can tell her? What if the ship explodes before we’re done with dinner? What if this silence goes on for ten minutes and neither of us has anything to say and it just proves what I’m feeling is useless?_

Finally, she thought of another topic of conversation. “I hope Saru is adjusting okay to being our long-term captain,” Tilly said. “He deserves it. It must be strange for him now, being a captain in peacetime.”

Michael nodded. “He seems to be doing well. It is unfortunate that Captain Senak had to bow out at the last minute. I’ve said this before, but I was not looking forward to dealing with another unfamiliar captain.”

Tilly smiled. “Me either.”

The silence resumed. Tilly found herself eating more quickly than normal, just to get to the talk faster. But it didn’t work, because by the time her plate was clear, Michael was only maybe two-thirds of the way through her food.

“I’m going to get some dessert,” Tilly announced, even though she knew Michael was going to give her a look. _Sugar is not good for humans,_ she could hear Michael admonishing her. Her insistence on eating almost exclusively the most “optimal” foods for human metabolism and health was probably the only thing Tilly found annoying about her.

“Could you get me something too?” Michael asked. Tilly nearly fell over in shock, having just started to stand up.

“Uh, okay. What do you want?” She was sure her surprise was evident.

“I tried some tiramisu the other day, I wouldn’t mind having it again.”

“You ate _tiramisu_?” Tilly nearly squeaked. “Why?”

Michael grinned slyly at Tilly and her heart clenched. “I just felt like trying it. Is that okay with you?”

_Is she_ flirting _with me?_

“Of course. Do you want to split one? The regular size is enormous.”

“Sure.”

And once again, Michael flashed her a smile, and Tilly thought she might be the luckiest woman in the mess hall.

 

“What did you want to talk to me about?” Michael asked once they had found a spot in the otherwise deserted observation lounge to sit down after dinner.

Tilly’s heart was pounding so hard she wondered if it was affecting her hearing. Was Michael’s voice quieter than usual?

“Um, well,” Tilly looked away, out at the stars streaming past the window. They were at warp and the trailing lights reminded her of a meteor shower she’d seen when she was a kid--all the hope and wonder she’d felt gazing at the sky. And now she felt the same way whenever she looked at Michael.

She swallowed and looked back at her friend.

“I don’t really know how to tell you this but I’m just going to come out and say it. I’ve had some of the best and worst times of my life with you over the past several months and all the best times were with you, and all the worst times were better because you were there. I really like you, Michael.” She closed her eyes briefly and swallowed again. Michael was still there, her expression neutral, warm, open. “Not just as a friend. If you know what I mean.”

Michael’s expression hadn’t changed. Tilly’s stomach dropped. _Does she not know what I mean?_

“I mean that sometimes I wonder if you also think of me that way. As maybe - somebody you might go on dates with. Romantically. You know?”

And then Michael’s eyes dropped to her lap. _Oh no._

The silent seconds stretched out interminably.

“I’m sorry, I--I should go,” she finally choked out.

“No, please don’t.” Michael whipped her head up, reaching a hand out in front of Tilly, as if to prevent her from leaving. “ _I’m_ sorry.” She sighed. “I don’t really know how to deal with these things.”

“That makes two of us,” Tilly laughed nervously.

“I value having you around so much, Tilly.” Her eyes were so big and expressive. She was sad…

_But._

“But I don’t feel the same way. And even if I did--I couldn’t stand the thought of us not being on good terms one day. You saw what happened with me and Ash. I can’t even process _that_ loss. I want you in my life. I don’t want to lose your friendship too, someday. Does that make sense?”

Tears welled up in Tilly’s eyes. Her heart ached. But she nodded.

“I understand,” she managed to say softly, around the growing lump in her throat. “I was just really hoping….” Her voice broke and she coughed to cover the noise, to try to stop the tears from coming.

Michael reached over, probably to take her hand, as she’d done other times when they talked about difficult subjects, but she pulled back at the last moment. “I wish I could give you the answer you want.”

At that, Tilly couldn’t stop a sob from escaping her mouth. “Don’t, please.” _I have to get out of here._

“I hope we can still be friends,” Michael said, a quiver in her voice. But Tilly couldn’t look at her now--was _she_ close to tears?

_No no no._

“I should go now.” She took a deep breath and stood up, gathering the remnants of her composure, still unable to look directly at her friend. Her friend. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Thank you for--for being upfront with me.” She hurried out of the observation lounge, leaving the stars and Michael’s shining eyes behind.

It was going to be a long walk back to her quarters looking as miserable as she felt.

 

“You’re late, Ensign,” Paul admonished when she came into engineering the next morning at 0806. The other staff were already at their posts or hustling back and forth between the consoles and the cultivation bay.

“I’m sorry, sir,” she returned mechanically as she moved to her station next to the reaction cube. Her eyelids were puffy, her hair was a mess, and she hadn’t showered this morning even though she probably should have. She’d spent most of the night watching sad movies and crying.

She’d made such a fool of herself--and everyone on this ship would know, in no time, if she showed it. She knew Michael would not breathe a word of this to anyone, but Michael was good at compartmentalizing. Tilly was not.

She unlocked her console and began scanning yesterday’s notes. No results, no results. But this was what she’d tried yesterday. What could she try today?

But it was so hard to concentrate with this pit in her stomach and the remnants of tears on her face.

“Ensign?” Paul was now standing in front of her console. She looked up and saw the concern in his eyes, his eyebrows drawn together. “You look terrible.”

“Thank you, I tried,” she forced out, hoping she sounded like she was joking, and easygoing, and not brokenhearted. “I’m fine.”

He nodded. “It’s okay if you’re not,” he said quietly.

Oh, she was going to cry. Could there be anything worse than getting called out on her emotional state by someone who was famously unemotional? _Fuck._

She squeezed her eyes shut and counted to three slowly. When she looked at her superior officer again, he looked even more concerned. _Like he needs anything else to be worried about_ , she scolded herself. “I’m fine,” she repeated.

“Could you check on a few things in the cultivation bay?” he asked, handing her a padd. “We’re short one person this morning--Uohana is out sick. Go see how their specimens are doing. Take your time.”

She nodded and headed for the bay. She was so grateful for his support, and so annoyed at herself that she really needed it. If she were a pettier person, she’d probably blame him for this whole situation in the first place. He’d told her she had to tell Michael.

But of course the whole of her that wasn’t at all petty knew he had been right.

She didn’t like feeling _these_ feelings though. As soon as the bay doors had shut safely behind her, the tears were falling again.

 

Tilly had just taken off her shoes at the end of another very long day in engineering when her door chimed. She sighed. She did not want company. But it could be important.

She opened the door to see Joann and Paul standing there, sternfaced, like they were ready for battle.

“Hi, guys, what’s going on?” she asked in as innocent and bubbly a voice as she could manage.

“ _You’re_ going to tell us what’s going on with _you_ ,” Joann declared. “You’ve been avoiding me all week and you didn’t come to movie night last night. Commander Stamets just told me you’ve been withdrawn for days and that you aren’t showing up for your regular dinners.”

Paul nodded. “And Burnham won’t tell me anything about what’s going on.”

Tilly rolled her eyes. “I’m fine, okay? I don’t want to talk about it.”

“In that case, you are _not_ fine,” Joann snapped. “I’ve never known you to not want to talk about _anything_.”

Tilly sighed again, deeply, and stepped slightly to her left to allow them into the room. She sat heavily on her bed, gathering her pillows into her lap, while Joann and Paul sat on the opposite bed (Michael’s bed), giving her slightly accusatory looks as they waited for her to speak.

She hugged her pillows to her chest. “I told Michael how I felt. She wants to stay friends.”

“I’m sorry,” Joann said. “That sounds very difficult.”

“And I want to be mad at both of you, but I can’t! It’s not your fault, but you both said I should talk to her, and you were right, but if I hadn’t I could still just be keeping this to myself and pretending it wasn’t an issue. This feels _terrible,_ ” Tilly complained.

“Why didn’t you come to me?” Joann asked, hurt. “You’ve always come to me before. Did I make you feel unwelcome?”

Tilly wanted to hide behind her big pillows. “No! I just… I really don’t want to talk about it. I know that’s not what you expect of me, but this feels so _different_. I don’t want to start any rumors or drama. I just want things to go back to the way they were.”

Paul frowned and twisted his hands in his lap.

“But I can’t--I can’t be myself yet. So I just want to stay out of everyone’s way for a while.”

“You don’t have to stay out of our way,” Joann said. “Even if you think you’re not yourself.”

“I know how you feel,” Paul added. “Not completely, but… I can relate. Quite well, actually.”

Tilly sighed again. “I especially don’t want to dump on you. Not with everything you’re going through.”

Paul shook his head. “If anything, I prefer being around people who aren’t in the throes of post-war euphoria. So don’t even think about avoiding me because of that.”

“Have you talked to Michael?” Joann asked.

Tilly shook her head, feeling the sadness well up in her at just the mention of her friend’s name. “I can’t face her right now.”

“She’s worried about you. And she thinks you might not want to be friends anymore. She won’t say that to me but she’s hurting, I can tell.”

“I _want_ to be friends with her. I just can’t right now, okay?” Tilly buried her face in her hands. “I made a huge mistake. I’m completely in love with her, and she just wants to be friends.”

“It’s okay,” Joann said at last, just when Tilly was tempted to look up to see the expressions on Joann and Paul’s faces. “We can tell her you’re not ready yet. Just… don’t avoid us, okay? We’re here for you.”

 

Somehow, three weeks passed and Tilly hadn’t seen Michael once. She suspected Paul and Joann were telling Michael to avoid her for now. But every time she came into the mess hall and didn’t see Michael she felt just a little disappointed.

It was Tuesday, her turn to have dinner with Paul. Lately, he brought dinner from the mess hall to her room and they watched a movie or talked about research. Today it was spaghetti and nerding out over mushrooms.

_I wish my uncles were like Paul_ , she caught herself thinking one evening while he was lighting up with news about an article his friend had published. Her uncles had usually made fun of her intellectual interests…

“Yonnas discovered this entire network under the surface of Thalus Prime. Look at this!” He showed Tilly the photos of the Thalus death fingers on his padd. “It grows mushrooms in different places that are biologically the same species but look completely different depending on subtle changes in the environment.” He shook his head, an expression of wonder on his face. “It’s quite an accomplishment for someone who’s spent only two years on that planet. I’m happy for him.”

Tilly smiled at him. _It’s so good to see him excited about something._

Then the moment passed, and Paul’s face fell into a wistful sadness. “I brought Yonnas his first specimen, you know, on Thalus Prime. The first time Hugh and I met after Alpha Centauri.”

“You two must have had so much fun.”

“It was both more and less fun than I expected,” Paul admitted. “Hugh was there for a conference and he’d invited me to visit. We weren’t really sure what we were getting into. And I wasn’t the model of a functional adult that you see before you today.”

Against her better judgement, Tilly smiled.

“And Hugh wasn’t sure he could trust me. And I didn’t do a great job of showing that he could, at least on one occasion. Still, that was really the start of everything. I’d--I’d never been happier.” He rubbed a few tears out of the corners of his eyes. “Sorry,” he mumbled.

Tilly mopped up the last of her spaghetti sauce with a piece of garlic bread. “You have nothing to apologize for.” She popped the bread in her mouth. He just looked away.

“I have a theory,” Paul announced after a moment, and then let the silence build.

Tilly looked at him, still chewing, waiting for him to drop the dramatics and get on with it.

“I stay out of my quarters because it reminds me of Hugh.”

“That’s a fact, not a theory,” Tilly pointed out.

“The theory is: You stay in your quarters because everything out there reminds you of Michael.”

She hastily finished chewing, swallowed, and then just gaped at him.

“This isn’t good for either of us, you know,” he continued.

“Wow, you _are_ learning this functional adult thing,” she joked uneasily. Paul usually avoided emotional conversations with her unless someone else was pushing the issue.

“Not really. You can credit all of this to my counselor.” He’d never mentioned seeing the counselor before. “But am I wrong?” Paul smiled at her smugly.

She rolled her eyes.

“In any case, it’s been lovely having dinner with you, Ensign, but I have to go... I don’t know, face my fears or something like that.” The mirth had evaporated. Now he just looked tired. “Maybe you should try it too?”

 

Tilly had instead stayed up late contemplating whether she could face Michael again. But she really couldn’t hide from her forever. She really did want to be Michael’s friend. She just didn’t know if she could do it yet. But maybe Paul had had a point. She’d been hiding out long enough.

She didn’t sleep well, and woke up early. She got to work half an hour before her shift. Paul was sitting on a stool at his console, leaning on his right elbow and supporting his head in his hand. His eyes were closed.

“Good morning,” she said. He didn’t react at all.

“Good morning!” she repeated. Nothing. He must be asleep. No one else was here yet, and Paul would be mortified if anyone found him asleep like this. She approached him and touched his shoulder gently. “Paul?”

He bolted upright and nearly fell off the stool. “Cadet Tilly. I mean, Ensign. What time is it?” he asked, steadying himself on the console and rubbing his eyes with the other hand.

“Early. You’re fine. How’d that facing your fears go?” she asked gently.

He just shook his head.

“I’m going to talk to Michael today,” Tilly said, and the words surprised her. Paul eyed her skeptically. “I will,” she said with more confidence.

“Good luck.”

Uohana strode into engineering and Paul nodded formally as the lieutenant made their way to their console. “It’s 0745, Ensign. Help me walk through the bay this morning?”

 

At lunchtime, Tilly messaged Michael from her console.

_Tilly: Hi._

_Burnham: Ensign, how can I help you?_

Tilly flinched at Michael’s distant tone.

_Tilly: I know I’ve been very distant lately. I’m sorry. Can we talk?_

Michael didn’t respond for several heartstopping moments. Finally:

_Burnham: I could meet you after alpha shift, in conference room 3._

She didn’t like the location at all, but no location seemed right: her quarters, Michael’s quarters, the mess hall, the observation lounge, nothing. Probably the conference room was the most neutral place. It just didn’t strike Tilly as the place for a heart-to-heart.

_Tilly: That’s fine. 1715?_

_Burnham: See you then._

 

Tilly was so nervous she couldn’t hold still all afternoon. Even when Paul assigned her a very complicated task she got up every ten minutes to pace, to fidget. To her relief, he didn’t say anything about it, but he did start giving her very pointed looks after the first hour.

At 1715 on the dot, Michael entered conference room 3. Tilly had been fidgeting in the room for the past ten minutes. At the sight of her friend, her heart dropped into her stomach.

Michael maintained a blank face as she took a seat next to Tilly’s spot at the head of the table. “Ensign,” she said after a tense moment.

“Michael, please.” Tilly didn’t like the tinge of pleading in her voice as she responded. “It’s Tilly.”

“I wasn’t sure where we stood anymore, to be quite honest,” Michael said, and the frostiness in her voice sent fear into Tilly.

“I thought Joann and Paul would have told you what was going on.”

“They did.”

“What’s not to understand, then?” Tilly asked. “I was hurt. I was embarrassed. I really like you. It was hard to see you.”

“I know.” Michael sighed and looked at her hands in her lap. “I was--am--worried that we wouldn’t be friends again.” She closed her eyes. “I don’t have many friends, Tilly. I miss you.”

Tilly felt tears coming to her eyes, and a pang of frustration. “Michael, you broke my heart a little. How could I be a good friend to you in that state?”

Michael shook her head and looked back up, her brown eyes wide and shining. “I think I realized how much I value your friendship. And how much I’ve come to rely on you. I like Commander Stamets, don’t get me wrong, but he’s not you.” She bit her lip. “I know you have to do these things for yourself, and I don’t begrudge you that, at all. After a couple of weeks, though, I started to wonder if you were angry with me.”

“Oh my gosh, no, Michael. How could I be angry with you?”

Her friend’s eyes were so, so heartbreakingly sad. “Because I know what it’s like to be angry with someone who breaks your heart.” She wiped a few tears from her eyes with the back of her hand, causing a tiny smear of mascara down her left cheek. “And when you can’t talk to them because it will only make things worse.”

“Michael,” Tilly promised, scooting over to grab Michael’s other hand from her lap, before she could even think about it. “I am not angry with you. I really really do want to be your friend.” Michael’s hand was so soft under both of hers. Upon recognizing this thought, Tilly felt her optimism about her mental state vanish, along with the smile she’d been wearing. She patted Michael’s hand once, twice, and let go. Her heart ached. “But I think I do need more time. I’m sorry. We don’t need to avoid each other, or anything, but I’m still--hurting.”

Michael nodded, taking a deep breath and smiling bravely, her eyes still wet with tears.

“Joann is a good friend, though. You should have dinner with her sometime. I know she would like to get to know you better,” Tilly suggested. “Again, I’m really sorry. I--I know my process here. One too many broken hearts,” she quipped. “You know you can trust me though. I won’t lie to you.”

Michael nodded again reluctantly. “I understand.”

Tilly allowed herself one more cry once Michael had left the room.

One day, the part of her that was hopelessly infatuated with Michael would settle down, and leave behind that comforting friendly affection that had been there all along.

One day. A tiny part of her could see that future.

 

“Ready to beam down, Ensign?” Paul asked as the two of them surveyed the boxes of equipment arrayed in Cargo Bay 2.

“I hope so,” she said, laughing, as she contemplated the past nine hours of making lists, packing, and more.

They had finally arrived at Eiara I, ready to begin the detailed botanical, mycological, and zoological studies ordered by the Federation for a potential colony settlement. Teams throughout the cargo bay were assembling their gear. A small group of the crew taking the first shore leave rotation joked around in the corner, waiting to head down for a few days of beach camping. For the first week, Tilly and Stamets would be working on identifying good mycological research locations in the woods a few miles east of the beach.

Tilly eyed Joann and Keyla, part of the camping group, with a fair amount of envy. Two months of traveling without much research or shore leave opportunity was making her crave free time. Not to mention time off the ship.

One week of research and she too was going to get five days off duty.

The camping group suddenly burst into hysterical giggles, with Joann laughing so hard that she was holding onto Keyla to keep from falling over. “I can’t wait to get off this fucking ship and breathe some fresh goddamn air and get some peace and quiet,” Paul muttered, crossing his arms.

Tilly sighed. Paul was a bit more talkative in the past week or two, but his words were uniformly tinged with bitterness. Under any other circumstance she would have jumped at the chance to spend a whole week working closely with her mentor. “Let them have their fun. They deserve it.”

Out of the corner of her eye she spotted Michael coming up behind Paul from a distance. She put a finger to her lips. Tilly tried to mask her surprise. _Is Michael playing a_ prank _on him? Where did she get the idea to play pranks on people??? Oh God, this is not the time._

Paul misinterpreted her wide-eyed expression. “Don’t give me that look, Ensign. I’m not stopping them from having any fun. I reserve the right to….”

Michael stepped into place behind Paul and slipped her hands over his eyes. “Guess who?”

“What the hell?” Paul shouted, ducking under her arms and spinning around as he did so. Michael’s eyes went huge.

Tilly desperately wanted to look away. This was not going to end well for Michael.

“Not quite the reaction I expected,” she said with a pleased grin. But Paul glared at her with such vehemence that Michael’s grin faded. “I apologize, Commander, I was trying to lighten the mood. I misjudged the situation.”

Paul’s expression softened slightly, but he was still giving Michael a fiery glare as he spat out, “Don’t sneak up on me. Ever.”

Michael nodded apologetically, her eyes dropping to the floor momentarily. “I won’t.” She waited a moment and then turned to Tilly. “Ensign? A word please?”

Tilly’s eyes went wide again. She and Michael were on polite but still frosty terms. But perhaps this was an on-duty request. She followed Michael toward the cargo bay entrance, where crew members were still bustling in and out with boxes and maglifts of gear.

“Also, who taught you to play pranks?” Paul called after them. “You need a better tutor.”

Michael smiled and shook her head as she gestured for Tilly to follow her into the corridor.

“Captain Saru wants me to accompany you for the week,” Michael announced once they were outside the cargo bay.

“Why?” she asked. “Commander Stamets and I have this situation under control. Right now we’re just locating research sites. We’ll need more people in two weeks, but not now.”

“Oh.” Michael’s eyebrows shot up. “I think Saru and I misunderstood the research protocol, then.” She frowned. “I, uh…”

Tilly wasn’t used to seeing Michael disoriented like this. She wanted to comfort her. “It’s okay. I might have written up the staffing request badly. My fault,” she apologized.

“Well…” Michael gestured for Tilly to follow her further down the hall away from the commotion, and lowered her voice. “I was hoping we’d get a chance to talk more soon.”

“Why’s that?”

Michael gave her an exasperated look.

Tilly sighed. “I know, I’ve still been distant. I’m sorry.” She told herself to smile brightly. It was a lot easier than it used to be, surprisingly. She wasn’t faking it anymore. “I’m still just… very embarrassed over the whole thing. I want us to be friends. And maybe I’m even ready for it.” She sighed again. “But I’m worried things are going to be weird. And I’ve never _been_ friends with a crush. After the crush.”

“We were friends before,” Michael said confidently. “We can still be friends. We’ve been through everything together.”

“Tilly!” Her boss’ impatient voice filled the hallway. She looked back to see him poking his head around the doorframe. “Time to start loading the shuttle. Let’s get moving already?” His eyes fell on Michael. “If you’re done, Commander.”

Michael nodded, and Tilly rolled her eyes. “Yes, sir. I’ll be right there.” She turned back to Michael. “You know, I’m really not looking forward to spending a week with Mr. Grumpypants. I could use another friend on this trip. Even though we have the research under control.”

Michael smiled. “I’m sure Paul could use a friend too. And you are a very good friend.” She looked up and to the left of Tilly, clearly thinking something through. After a moment she said, “Since I’m not needed, perhaps I will join the botanical team. And then you could call me in the evenings. If you need an ear.”

Tilly grinned as relief spread through her whole body. She was actually _looking forward_ to talking with Michael. “Oh, good. And maybe, after the week is up, we could spend some of our vacation together? If you get vacation? Beach day, maybe?”

“I’d like that.” Michael’s warm eyes sparkled. Oh, it was good to see that expression on her face. “Now get going before Stamets loses his cool,” she teased.

“Thank you, Michael,” Tilly blurted out. “For waiting me out. For being my friend.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to my intrepid beta reader, [@tptigger](https://archiveofourown.org/users/tptigger/pseuds/tptigger)!  
> This story references my other story, [This Entire Planet](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14316687/), about when Paul and Hugh meet in person on Thalus Prime. Check it out if you haven't read it already.  
> I love all your comments, please let me know what you think!


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